Was in St. Jacobs this past weekend at the Farmers Market.  This is such an old school setting.  People shouting prices for items, giving discounts the closer you get to closing time.  I have a hard time with Mennonites though, they always look like they are ashamed of the human race.


You always know celebrities are beginning to lose it a bit when they purchase a monkey.

Welcome to the Playoffs Toronto.  Have fun with Boston.

Enjoy putting seed onto our fence so we can look outdoors at the animals eating it.  And then I shout at them to get off the deck.  This is my slow descent into old man dementia.

Bingemans upsets me.  You never have any idea when anything is open.  They have three separate entrances into their parking lot.  There are no signs for anything.  The only sign that we saw was that Boston Pizza was going to be opening at some point this year.  They are the only family activity place in the close vicinity other then Wonderland.  0.5/10

Why do dogs always represent root beer?

This past weekend was charity weekend.  Sara did the CN tower climb for the WWF.  Then yesterday we did a 6KM hike for Cancer.  It's funny how much free stuff they give you for doing this hike.  I would hike 6km for a hot dog any day.

It's not time to panic yet for the Jays, but they do need to right the ship with the Red Sox, Yankees, and Orioles playing fantastic ball. 

I find it interesting to read about RA Dickey and his nail filing kit.  He needs to have the exact length for each nail to be successful.  He is thinking about changing his last name to Kardashian.

Another Zoup is opening in Kitchener, right on King St.  If you would like to make some real money open a Zoup in Cambridge.  There is a mom/pop deli that makes a killing with mediocre food.  There are white folk galore in Cambridge, and they really enjoy their soups and sandwiches.

Sushi always needs to be bite sized. 

I am pretty sure we have come up with the first Cottage Weekend theme party for this year.  It's called the "Deported from Saudi Arabia for being too handsome party."

Hannibal - 8.8/10
Defiance - 8.0/10

Tread lightly with Defiance.  If you have trouble with anything but the human species in scifi there is a good chance that you will dislike Defiance.

Lords of Salem - 5.6/10 (Rob Zombie's new flick)

Sheri Moon Zombie has the same contract that Lena Dunham has apparently.  Only it pertains to her butt and not boobs.

Spelled Defiance, Definance originally.  That would be a terrible show.

Wouldn't it be nice if every electronic device had exactly the same charging cable?  I almost had a nervous break down when I couldn't find my Toshiba tablet charger, it's about as specific as it gets.

Terrible nicknames (Tubs, Jelly, Poopy)

I witnessed the best chick magnet of all time.  Have two twin Collie dogs and walk around downtown Kitchener. 

I have only two real memories of Hamilton.

1. - Having my home made wizard hat stolen off my head by some dude.
2. - Seeing a dude under a bridge doing smack in a lawn chair on the Bruce Trail at 9am.

Want to have a good time.  Tell a friend that doesn't deal well with Game of Thrones or Lord of the Rings to come up with an idea for a Fantasy book or television show.  "This is f***** stupid" will be uttered at least twice during the process.

Songkick is a pretty cool app/site that tracks when your favourite bands are coming to town.  It's nice getting a message that gives you the details of the concert, and where to buy tickets.  It's like that old friend that used to yell from the top of the stairs down to me that Black Sabbath or Korn was coming to town and you had no idea. 

Just finished reading Silver Linings Playbook.  The book is excellent and quite a bit more in depth then the movie.  You really get to see the characters more in depth in the book.  Quite enjoyable read, good discussions for the book club that I am not in.

Trying to drive out of Toronto after a sold out Bluejays game is similar to being in a Labrynth and chased by a Minotaur.  You are trying to stay ahead of the traffic, but it's chasing you ruthlessly, and every left turn mistake you make the inevitable of having to go to the bathroom while in a traffic jam because you drank too many beers is more and more likely.

Screw Hockey, yes I am a sore loser.

Jack Reacher - 7.2/10 (surprisingly good movie)

Yes I know that the latest episode is supposedly the best episode so far of the Game of Thrones season.  I just haven't had time to watch it yet.  Get off my back.

Dodgeball 2 script is currently in the works.  According to sources (wouldn't it be awesome if I had sources) it's going to have Vince Vaughn's character and Ben Stiller's character have to work together to fight off an even bigger evil.  Maybe it's Lance Armstrong?

Working at a water purification place looks like an awfully boring job.

There are certain people that you message and they have record times getting back to you.  Then there are others.  You know who you are.  The three days later type.  You make ADD people crazy.

While eating lunch please stop shaking your leg.  How is this comfortable?  Vibrating your leg constantly bumping into the table.  There has to be something you can do rather then shake your leg.  How about sit still? 

How come there are no new ghosts?  All ghosts are from hundreds of years ago.

Facebook fights make me happy.  Somebody that gets all fired up on their computer.  You really showed them with your multiple exclamation points.  They will never mess with you again.

Why does dog slobber seem more acceptable then human slobber?  I am going to randomly pick people to slobber all over and see the reaction that I get.

As a former smoker one of the things that I miss is blowing smoke in somebody's face.  That was the ultimate slap in the face.  You think the new Nickelback album is great eh?  whhhhooooooo! (that is my blowing smoke in the face noise)

Can some leaves please start growing back now.  It's depressing looking outside and only seeing dying things.

Sara is doing the CN Tower climb this weekend for the WWF fund.  She will be climbing specifically for the Iron Sheik.

Boston Marathon bombings were one of the few times that I actually felt myself getting angry about  a news story.  These people train all year to run for a charity or just to run in the one of the most prestigious events in North America, and now people have to be concerned about this happening again at another marathon or sporting event. There is no respect for other human beings, it's just lets see how much damage I can do at a big event.  

This winter is like Jason Vorhees it just won't die.

Junip - Junip - 8.6/10

Beautifully mastered album.  Gonzalez's lyrics flow throughout the album, this is definitely a Sunday morning album at the cottage.  There is just something about the guitar work in Junip that makes it so much different then anything else that I listen to.  It was pretty hard to get up to their first albums quality, but they did a great job on the follow up.

Going to the Jays game this coming Saturday.  Pettitte versus Buerhle.  Is it just a coincidence that I am always going to the games that involve soft tossing lefties?  Tom Glavine and Jimmy Key is the second half of the double header.

Really thought those George Walmart dress shoes would be comfortable.  Spending eight bucks on shoes should be enough.

When humans bark at people it's always frightening and fantastic at the same time.

I bet you when the Flyers called the Blue Jackets about goaltending that there were some laughs if they could have Bobrovsky back.

When people eat cotton candy I always envision it that they are eating fiber glass.

One of my life long dreams is about to come true.  I have been approached to be in a costume shops catalog.  I get to give those cheesy looks while wearing a pirate costume.  Yes, and more yes.  Blue Steel all day.  I don't think Magnum is ready yet. 


"You want me to help you with this printer in my six thousand dollar suit?.  Come on!" 

Sorry Seth MacFarlane I believe that your time has come to hang up Family Guy, The Cleveland Show, and American Dad.  You had a great run, but I have grown up, and I would now prefer just to see people get kicked in the groin.

Don't sweat when you eat please.  It freaks me out.  Maybe you should eat slower if you are sweating.

Had to wait for three hours in a lineup for shoes from Payless.  Yes you heard me, I am not going to replay this in my head for your convenience because it makes me angry, but they were 2 for 10 dollars, and there was a woman eating a full chicken two spots in front of me.  That is all I am going to say about this.

Why are baby strollers starting to look more and more like race cars?


Frakkin' Ipod and the hidden Christmas music that I can't locate to delete that always comes on during random times.  Fire me up!

I would like to slap Billy Corgan in the face for making such a great couple albums then giving us crap for the next twenty years.


Horses do a great job at photo bombing things.

 

 I have promised somebody at work that when they quit that I would go to a club for their going away party.  What have I done?  I was awkward at clubs when I was twenty let alone thirty four.  Maybe the cookie bake off and the masturbating goblin will be a hit and I will become a local legend.  I will end my madness by wearing a mouse mask in my final performance and spell mouse Mau5.

The Americans - 9.0/10  (About a Russian family that are undercover agents during the cold war in America.)

Caveman - Caveman - 9.3/10

Caveman is also a great name for a band.  They have a spectacular mix of mellow guitar mixed with a small amount Radiohead type electronics in the background.  Great vibe, have a listen.

This has been happening since the beginning of time, but it still needs to be stated that great people lose people before their time due to health complications, and then you have people that have abused their body for years and they still live.

Ice storm, you think you're so tough.

The Jays would be a lot better if Ricky Romero wasn't starting every game for them.  They should look at that.

Round of applause to the Toronto Maple Leafs.  You made the playoffs.  It was a great ten year period to be a Leaf hater.


There is nothing like the shuffle option on an ipod.  Having a Korn song on right after Sufjan Stevens is like having ice cream, then a sip of black coffee.

You know you watch too much baseball when you spell sip, Sipp, like the reliever for the Cleveland Indians.

So you want to get into music by bands that you haven't heard of, and you really enjoy my ipod's shuffle early morning at work.  And don't know where to start?  These five albums are must owns for beginners.

In no particular order

Stephen Malkmus - Face the Truth
Junip - Fields
Grizzly Bear - Veckatmist
Bear in Heaven - Beast Rest Forth Mouth
Caribou - Andorra


I think it would be a lot of work to be grumpy every day of my life.  The people that come into work and you just feel your mood deteriorating like health points in World of Warcraft (is that right?)  If you had 5 kick in the groin cards each day I would have them used up by noon each weekday.

That should be implemented.  Only certain people are able to own these cards, and I get to choose who owns them.  That's a perfect society.

Sloths, Dogs, and Cats take the best photographs.  They are the Derek Zoolander, Hansel, and Billy Zane's of the animal world.

Are people more dramatic now?  I find people getting stressed out and angry over smaller and smaller things. "Jesus, where is my lip chap, I had it right here.  My lips are so chapped.  Did somebody take it?  I need it , I need it."

I absolutely love my new Facebook profile pic (Thanks Alex.)  Looking like a greasy American Politician or Clark Kent is something that I can do with ease now.  Before I could only look like a member of the Sheepdogs.  Thanks short hair, and no moustache you're the best.
 

Ad Astra was terrific this year. This is a Science Fiction literary convention for those that don't already know. It was great to see old friends and meet some new ones.  Highlights of the weekend. 

- Sara and I emceeing the Masquerade.
- Finding out just how good Cards Against Humanity really is.

- Philly Cheese Steaks
- Being on three great panels (thanks for the tech support Seb)
- Feeling great throughout the weekend even though I was abusing my liver similarly to what Gary Busey does to his brain.

The Jays suck, they have no time to recover from this slow start.  Why did I invest so much money into this Bluejays hat?  Where is my Lumineers downloads?  My computer is too slow.  I need something to feel the pain and cry with.  My life is terrible.

My Clark Kent costume was a big hit. I forgot my razor though.  Has Clark Kent ever had 5 o'clock shadow before?

I never know what to say to a kid that is pointing a fake sword at me.  I just hope that they will stab me quickly so I can have an over the top death.

Reading alien language is something that is difficult to get used to.

When having a conversation with somebody, start to use different tones at parts of the conversation that don't call for it.  Just see the reaction.  It's good times.

When drinking it's quite a bit easier just to shuffle along.  Walking is a lot of work sometimes.

Daryl from walking dead.  This will be my next costume.  Again ladies, hands off unless I say it's ok.  I don't want to have to tell you again.

No one believes me when I tell them that I used to be able to do the splits.  Then they want me to show them.  Two things here.  I used to be able to ten to fifteen years ago.  And do you really want to see a grown man doing the splits on carpet?

It's strange when talking to someone and you expect them to have a certain voice, and then they speak and it's something completely different.

Pizza Pizza is now the worst website to order from.  You want to see me get fired up.  Watch me put the ingredients on my pizza, then order pops, then order dipping sauce.  Not being logged in, then forgetting my password, having a password sent to my email, then having to sign in to see that my order has been erased.  I almost had to go to bed after this happened the last time.

The most frightening part of speaking in front of people is testing the microphone in front of people.  The same reaction always happens.  You say hello or testing, and then you are surprised to hear how loud it is. 

For those that have been frustrated that they haven't been able to post comments in my blog; because it's a lot of damn work to sign up for an account just to comment on whether you like rabies or not.  Never fear, you can now comment without signing up for a damn account. 

Watching people at scifi cons react to the little speaker when the Tron soundtrack comes on is now my new favourite thing.

Something weird happens to my hips when Latin guitar is played.  It's very similar to how Steve Martin reacts to the Blues in the movie "The Jerk."

So cottage season has just about arrived.  The land in front of the cottage is trembling by the thought of bocce balls rolling around at a medium pace.

Dear Adam Sandler,

Please allow others to write your material.  You can still be funny, you just need to allow other people to feed funny things into your brain.

Sincerely,

Daryl Smith

Twitter:  @hosehead12

Toronto Blue Jays home opener was about as exciting as Val Kilmer as Batman.  The only excitement was the gong show guy that was in our section that kept on slamming on seats in front of him making every person uncomfortable.

Ad Astra is this coming weekend, and Sara and I have been asked to be the Co emcee's.  It's a huge honour to be asked to do this.  I am confident that we will do a great job and be in the running to host the Oscar's next year.  If Tina Fey and Amy Poehler both get pregnant and give birth the same night. Sara and I have a shot to host.

I hate musicals, I'm sorry I just had to let that out.  We went to see Mamma Mia years ago, and if I had a peanut allergy you don't want to know what I would have done to a bag of unsalted peanuts.

Arrested Development will be back this May.  I am shocked by how many people don't understand the humour.  I guess you either love it or your an idiot.

Tricia Helfer was on Community.  Did she have work done to her teeth?  Her teeth look oddly similar to Gary Busey's now.  That is not the look that you want.

Having a conversation with a Leaf fan the other day, and he was upset because he didn't think that this group of Leafs could win a cup.  You haven't been to the playoffs for fu***** 10 years.  First things first.

Do teenage boys still put up pictures of supermodels in their rooms?  Or are the pizza pocket boxes and monster energy drink cans get in the way of seeing the walls anyways?


I am straight, I am straight.  I am flattered, but I really really like women.

Mr. Canoehead was a good segment of the show four on the floor.  It's about a guy that was carrying a canoe on his head and he was struck by lightning soldering the canoe to this head.  He now fights crime, and his disguises usually consist of being a bird.

How did Scott Boras become as famous as some athletes in the world?  You just seem like a jerk if you are being represented by him.  It's like being represented by Ari Gold.

The only movies to look forward in the near future are sequels.  The Wolverine, Kick Ass 2, Avengers 2, Iron Man 3.  Apparently George RR Martin has a XMEN power that allows him to steal all original thought from human beings.

I have never seen someone as angry as an Asian man with a busted Nintendo controller.  The wrath was severe for all, but mostly the controller.

Food will begin to slowly be integrated back into the blog when this damn snow leaves.  I hate cooking with the stove


In Biblical times when you were paralyzed were you just put down, did people carry you around?  Or did you just drag yourself around with your arms? 

Went Winter camping for the first time ever.  Now before you dismiss this due to how nice the weather was.  We hiked into the mountains in Allegany State Park in New York.  The snow was two feet deep and the temperature went down to -2 degrees in the night time.  We did see some bear tracks.  I wasn't sure if they would have been up yet.  We did luck out with the weather for the most part.  It wasn't windy, and the sun was out for most of the day.  Overall the experience was a good one.  There were times where I was frustrated with having to post hole through snow, and every step was tiresome.  We hiked about 6 or 7 miles each day.  It's a beautiful park, and it's kept in pristine condition.

The night that we stayed in a lean to we had heard a knocking similar to a baseball bat off of a tree.  We had no idea what it was, we just kind of ignored it.  According to the internet that's the noise Sasquatch's make when communicating with each other.

Lean to - shelter that is built to sleep in that shields you from the elements.
Post hole - Being the first person to walk through the snow. 

Adventure Guide sale was this morning.  Found a winter jacket that was regularly $365 and purchased it for $110.  It might be time to retire the classic brown leather jacket.  Burt Reynolds has been calling for it back anyways.

Went to the Ponderosa for an Easter buffet on the way back from New York.  I hope they have medical staff in there.  The average age was 75 or over.   

Stayed at a hotel called the Dudley.  It was one of the first hotels to have an elevator.  Franklin Roosevelt had stayed there because of this.  He was having medical issues that made it hard for him to walk up the stairs.  People from all around the world would stay there just to ride the elevator.  I think they still have the same exact machine.  It's a death trap, it sounds like it's moving the earth when it moves up and down.

Game of Thrones, Walking Dead Finale, Baseball Opening Day, oh my!

Has there ever been a day where your speakers sound better then they usually do?

Ad Astra is this coming weekend.  There is finally an author there that I have read a book from.  Jim Butcher from the Harry Dresden books is going to be there.  That's right, thee Jim Butcher.  3/4 of my Facebook friends are either rolling their eyes or whispering under their breath "what a nerd."

I thought that I had the most beautiful of running style until I saw a video of it.  It's still a nice run, but not as nice as I had once thought.

How can anybody believe in Bigfoot?  There are never any tracks left.  Unless Bigfoot floats just above the ground similar to a Dalek they do not exist. 
 
Have you ever been to a grocery store that only sells one type of shampoo?  Ain't nobody talking about a variety store, talking about a grocery store.  They sold one type of shampoo, two types of deodorants, and thirty types of potato chips ya turkey.  I just wanted to see if I could type jive.

Things that I dislike today:

Toms - Those new shoes that look like the old shoes from the Bargain Shop or Giant Tiger.  
Outdoor Slippers - Look comfortable for sitting around a fire in the comfort of your own home.  Not going to a pub, you donkey.




If somebody that doesn't know you starts following you on twitter or wants to be your friend on Facebook and they are from Massachusetts and states that you are very attractive, and they would like to meet you or get your phone number.  You should always give them every piece of information that they need.  They are probably just a sincere person, and are really interested in the inner you.  They will not give you a computer virus.  They probably just want to chat online or talk on the phone.  I endorse this completely.